ARE YOU HUNGRY AS A MOTHERFUCKING BEAR AFTER AWAKENING FROM YOUR WINTER SLUMBER? WELL THEN GO COOK YOURSELF SOME MOTHERFUCKING CURRIED CHICKPEAS TO SLAKE YOUR HUNGER BEFORE YOU GO TAKE DOWN A DEER IN THE WOODS, GODDAMN.
FIRST OBTAIN A LUTE AND LOVINGLY SERENADE A BOVINE MAIDEN UNTILL SHE IS…
Recipe of the day
The NEWEST LUNCH OBSESSION!!!!! Utterly brilliant, people. Not only does SALAD IN A JAR save space in your fridge, it also reduces food waste and gets non-salad eaters (me) to mow down daily. THE ARRANGEMENT From BOTTOM to TOP: Dressing Shredded carrots Cherry tomatoes Sunflower seeds Hard boiled eggs Baby spinach DIRECTIONS1) Arrange ingredients in a large mason jar
2) Store in fridge for up to a week
3) When ready to eat: shake jar, place on a plate, and eat!
You can make any arrangement you want… you can add red onion, cucumbers, radishes or peppers. Always remember to put the dressing at the bottom and the lettuce at the top—a MUST.Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/tonefastfitness
GOOD PANCAKES ARE LIKE MAKING OUT WITH AN ANGEL BEFORE STARTING YOUR DAY.
“CAN YOU GIVE ME THE BEST GODDAMN PANCAKE RECIPE THAT YOUR WARRIOR MOTHER FUCKING NERO SYNAPSES CAN FUCKING MANAGE TO MUSTER?”
MY FUCKING FAMILY USES A MODIFIED BISQUICK MIX RECIPE. THIS SHIT IS HARDCORE I DON’T EVEN WANT TO BOTHER TRYING TO MAKE IT FROM SCRATCH!
TAKE 2 CUPS OF BISQUICK MIX, AND COAX IT TO FLY INTO A MIXING BOWL THROUGH YOUR WORDS ALONE.
LIKEWISE, WHISPER THREATS OF TORTURE AND PAINFUL WAYS TO DIE INTO THE FETUS-THAT-NEVER-WAS WITHIN THE 2 EGGS AND THEY’LL LEAP FROM YOUR HAND TO CRACK THEIR CONTENTS OPEN INTO THE BOWL.
DUMP IN 3/4 CUPS OF MILK AND 1/4 CUP OF 7UP OR SPRITE~
YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT I SAID SPRITE. HOLD YOUR ASS DOWN AND PAY ATTENTION BEFORE FLYING UP IN BUTTHURT.
MIX THIS SHIT TOGETHER UNTIL THERE’S NO CLUMPS, THEN SET IT ASIDE TO RISE LIKE THE DEAD FROM THEIR BURIAL GROUNDS WHILE YOU HEAT UP YOUR GRIDDLE OR NON-STICK FRYING PAN.
WHEN YOU CAN FLICK WATER FROM YOUR FINGERTIPS ONTO THE SURFACE OF THE PAN, AND THE WATER HISSES AND SPITS AND DANCES OVER THE TOP LIKE AN ANGRY CAT, YOU KNOW IT’S HOT ENOUGH.
HOLY FUCK, LOOK AT THAT PANCAKE BATTER! IT SHOULD BE BUBBLY AS FUCK BY NOW!
USE A HALF-CUP MEASURING UTENSIL TO DOLLOP THE PANCAKE BATTER ONTO THE PAN.
WAIT A MINUTE OR SO, AND WATCH FOR THE GODDAMN DETAILS. THE CENTER OF THE PANCAKE WILL HAVE BUBBLES RAISING UP, AND THE EDGES OF THE PANCAKE WILL START TO LOOK DRY.
THAT’S WHEN YOU JAM YOUR SPATULA UNDER THAT GORGEOUS FUCKER AND FLIP IT OVER.
JESUS FUCKING TITS, LOOK AT THAT PERFECT GOLDEN COLOR.
IT’LL TAKE HALF THE TIME FOR THE SECOND SIDE TO COOK, SO BE READY TO FLIP IT LIKE A PRO WHEN YOU SEE THE DRYING SIDES.
USE THE REST OF THE FUCKING BATTER YOU ASSHOLE, AND STUFF YOURSELF SILLY WITH THESE MAJESTIC PANCAKES.
WELL BUTTER MY BUTT AND CALL ME A BISCUIT
WE’RE GOING TO MAKE SOME GODDAMN SODA POP COBBLER.
LEAP ONTO YOUR TAMED KOMODO DRAGON AND FIERCELY WOBBLE-WALK TO THE NEAREST MARKETPLACE, WHERE YOU’LL TRADE THE SCALPS OF THE BASTARDS THAT BETRAYED YOU FOR SOME WHITE CAKE MIX, FROZEN FRUIT OF…
ARE YOU A GLUTEN-FREE, VEGAN MOTHERFUCKER?
IF YOU SAID NO, YOU BETTER SIT YOUR ASS BACK DOWN ANYWAY, BECAUSE DIETARY RESTRICTIONS DON’T MEAN SHIT WHEN YOU WANT TO PUT DELICIOUS SUBSTANCES IN YOUR FACE!
WE’RE GOING TO MAKE SOME GLORIOUS COCONUT RICE!
SHIT, THIS BULLSHIT IS SO GOOD I HAD TO SCRUB MY GREY MATTER WITH STEEL WOOL, BECAUSE I WITNESSED AN OLDER COUPLE EXPERIENCING ORGASM AFTER INGESTING IT!
I’LL BE DOING THIS THE STOVETOP WAY, BUT IF YOU CLASSY MOTHERFUCKERS HAVE A RICE COOKER, YOU CAN THROW IT IN THERE AND JUST HIT ‘COOK’
YOU BETTER GET SOME PERSONAL TRAINERS READY, BECAUSE YOU’LL NEED TO BE ABLE TO TRIPLE-BACK-HANDSPRING INTO A FULL SPLITS IF YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO HARNESS THE PURE MAJESTY OF 1 AND ½ CUPS UNCOOKED JASMINE RICE!
PLAIN WHITE RICE WORKS FINE. BROWN RICE IS NOT FINE!
GRAB A 14oz CAN OF COCONUT MILK - OR MAYBE JUST LASSO A COCONUT AND MILK ITS DEADLY FANGS FOR THE JUICE YOU REQUIRE FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL DISH!
PUNCH A LAKE UNTIL IT GIVES YOU 1 AND ¼ CUPS OF THE PUREST AND MOST SANITARY WATER IT POSSESSES!
DON’T HAVE YOUR OWN SUGAR CANE FIELDS TO PILLAGE FOR 1 TEASPOON OF SUGAR? NEITHER DO I! YOU STILL NEED IT, THOUGH!
THROW ALL THIS BULLSHIT INTO A POT (OR RICE COOKER) AND CRANK THAT FUCKING HEAT UP UNTIL YOU SEE IT BOILING! FEELS GOOD, DOESN’T IT? WATCHING SOMETHING EXPERIENCE THE SAME EMOTIONAL PAIN AS YOU DID, WATCHING A CERTAIN ASSHOLE TORTURE HEAVEN’S MOST ADORABLE ANGEL!
THIS ASSHOLE IS A VIOLATE MOTHERFUCKER, SO WHEN YOU SEE IT LEAPING AROUND IN A GOOD BOIL, THEN YOU NEED TO TURN THAT HEAT BACK THE FUCK DOWN. SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT, MAN! COVER THE POT AND LET IT SIT THERE ON LOW HEAT FOR 15 - 20 MINUTES, UNTIL THE RICE IS TENDER.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT’S TENDER?
YOU TAKE SOME OUT OF THE POT AND PUT IT IN YOUR IDIOT MOUTH, THAT’S HOW!
ONCE IT’S REACHED THAT POINT, STIR IT UP AND TAKE IT OFF THE HEAT, BECAUSE THAT BEAUTIFUL BABY IS DONE!
CONGRATS, ASSHOLE, YOU JUST MADE SOME COCONUT RICE!
WHAT CAN YOU USE IT FOR?
EAT IT, MOTHERFUCKER!
SIDE DISH FOR FUCKING ANYTHING, RICE IS BADASS LIKE THAT!
LEAVE IT IN THE FRIDGE AND SERVE WITH FRESHLY SLICED FRUIT, THAT’S CLASSY SHIT!
WANT SOME FUCKING HEAVENLY GOODNESS IN YOUR MOUTH? WELL PREPARE FOR THE ANGELIC FOOD OF A LIFETIME BECAUSE YOU’RE ABOUT TO MAKE A CHOCOLATE ECLAIR DESERT, FUCKER.
START OFF BY GALLOPING YOUR NOBLE STEED ALL THE WAY DOWN TO YOUR LOCAL GROCERY STORE (OR ACROSS THE COUNTRY, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK) TO PICK UP A BOX OF HONEY GRAHAM CRACKERS, TWO PACKAGES OF INSTANT VANILLA PUDDING (BECAUSE ONE ISN’T ENOUGH FOR A HARDCORE METAL FUCKER LIKE YOU), THREE CUPS OF MILK, EIGHT OUNCES OF COOL WHIP, AND A CONTAINER OF CHOCOLATE FROSTING. IF YOU WANT, GO FOR THE GOLD AND GET SOME FUCKING GOURMET CHOCOLATE ICING WITH SPRINKLES OR SOME SHIT, IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER.
ONCE YOU GET BACK HOME FROM YOUR FUCKING ODYSSEY, MAKE THAT PUDDING FOLLOWING THE FUCKING DIRECTIONS ON THE LABEL TO A T, YOU DON’T WANT TO MESS UP THIS SHIT. TRUST THE BOX. PUT YOUR FAITH IN THE BOX. YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO CARRY THE BURDEN OF REMEMBERING A RECIPE, BUT THAT BOX SURE AS HELL CAN CARRY YOU ON, MY WAYWARD SON.
POUR THAT PUDDING OF CREAMY DREAMS INTO A BOWL WITH THE MILK AND MAKE THAT COOL WHIP YOUR FOLLOWER FOR LIFE BY FOLDING IT INTO YOUR MIXTURE.
STEAL A GLASS PAN FROM YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD ASSHOLE AND THROW A LAYER OF GRAHAM CRACKERS ONTO THE BOTTOM LIKE THE CLASSY METAL ROCKSTAR YOU ARE.
SLIDE IN HALF OF THAT MOTHERFUCKING PUDDING MIXTURE YOU MADE EARLIER, AND REPEAT THAT LAYERING OF GRAHAM CRACKERS AND PUDDING ONE MORE TIME.
PUNCH ANOTHER LAYER OF GRAHAM CRACKERS ON TOP OF THAT BECAUSE YOU’RE NO LAZY ASS. IF SOMEHOW YOU MISREAD THESE FUCKING DIRECTIONS, IT’S NO BIG DEAL, BECAUSE THIS CAKE IS SO FUCKING SMART THAT IT’LL ACCOMMODATE YOUR LAYERING MISTAKES. IT’S PRACTICALLY A ROCKET SCIENTIST.
JESUS FUCK I BET THIS FOOD IS SMARTER THAN YOU!
PITCH THAT MOTHERFUCKING CHOCOLATE FROSTING IN THE MICROWAVE FOR THIRTY SECONDS UNTIL IT’S HOTTER THAN THE RAGE EXPLODING OUT OF THE CHUNK OF DESTIEL FANDOM WHO CAN’T SEEM TO FUCKING REALIZE THAT THEIR OTP IS PRACTICALLY CANON ALREADY, AND THERE’S NO GODDAMN WAY THE WRITERS ARE DUMB ENOUGH TO MAKE MERLIN’S MISTAKE!
CALM THE FUCK DOWN, YOU STILL HAVE ANOTHER SEASON AND A HALF, JESUS CHRIST
MAKE SURE YOU STIR IT SO THAT IT MELTS ALL THE WAY THROUGH MOTHERFUCKER.
POUR THAT SHIT ALL OVER THE TOP OF YOUR GRAHAM CRACKER LAYER AND SPREAD IT AROUND SO THAT IT’S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE ANYTHING BUT CHOCOLATE DELICIOUSNESS. IF YOU DESIRE SOME SPRINKLES, NOW’S THE TIME TO PUT THOSE DUMMIES ON THE CAKE.
AGGRESSIVELY CLEAR OUT YOUR REFRIGERATOR TO MAKE ROOM FOR THIS ROYAL MASTERPIECE AND KEEP THAT SHIT IN THERE FOR AT LEAST TWO HOURS SO THAT IT BECOMES HALF AS HARDCORE AS YOU ARE.
HAVE SOME MOTHERFUCKING ECLAIR DESSERT LIKE FUCK YES!
